What I Want

I've kind of stayed away from relationships since my last and only one went pretty badly and honestly I don't think I can ever do relationships anymore. At least not for now.

So I decided to do this casual thing with one of my...we'll just call him a friend to make things less complicated.

I would say this whole thing started about a month ago.

Things were going pretty well I thought. I liked him, he liked me, but we both didn't want the commitment of a relationship. We've had sex like once (it was nice, not gonna lie) and it just felt wrong for both of us, so we've stayed away from that part. I wanted more of a cuddle buddy and a makeout buddy more than he wanted more of a friends with benefits sort of thing, which I wasn't really into.

A few days ago, he asked me what I wanted, and I didn't have the guts to say I just wanted a cuddle buddy or a makeout buddy and so I just stayed quiet and kept saying I wasn't sure in the spur of the moment and he said he couldn't do this anymore. Since I felt like it wasn't really going anywhere because we both wanted two totally different things. At least for now, on my part. Also because I'm really bad at deciding under pressure or on a whim. Which I felt like I was since he kept asking me, and it reminded me of a really bad time in my past, and I automatically deflected to the way I used to at the time instead of actually thinking and using my head.

I just feel so stupid.

A part of me feels sad that I didn't tell him what I wanted and a part of me still wants him back (as a makeout/cuddle buddy) but he told me he didn't want anything to do with me until I "sort out my issues" which I'm not sure what that means.

Long story short, things are really weird between us. And the way things are between us, it's hard for me to confront him about it. Since before we started this casual thing, things were already pretty complicated.

I just want to tell him that I want to take things casual for now, and not get into it too much for now until I actually feel ready.

It also feels like I lost a good friend. Even though we weren't that close, I told him some deep shit and he's told me shit about his past. I kind of miss what we had even before we started this whole casual thing.

I just miss him. In a non-romantic, no-strings-attached sort of way. I just really care about him. More than I should. I admit, I had a crush on him, but it slowly faded away when I found out who he was as a person.

How do you fix things with someone who you never had a real connection with?