What I Want

I've kind of stayed away from relationships since my last and only one went pretty badly and honestly I don't think I can ever do relationships anymore. At least not for now.

So I decided to do this casual thing with one of my...we'll just call him a friend to make things less complicated.

I would say this whole thing started about a month ago.

Things were going pretty well I thought. I liked him, he liked me, but we both didn't want the commitment of a relationship. We've had sex like once (it was nice, not gonna lie) and it just felt wrong for both of us, so we've stayed away from that part. I wanted more of a cuddle buddy and a makeout buddy more than he wanted more of a friends with benefits sort of thing, which I wasn't really into.

A few days ago, he asked me what I wanted, and I didn't have the guts to say I just wanted a cuddle buddy or a makeout buddy and so I just stayed quiet and kept saying I wasn't sure in the spur of the moment and he said he couldn't do this anymore. Since I felt like it wasn't really going anywhere because we both wanted two totally different things. At least for now, on my part. Also because I'm really bad at deciding under pressure or on a whim. Which I felt like I was since he kept asking me, and it reminded me of a really bad time in my past, and I automatically deflected to the way I used to at the time instead of actually thinking and using my head.

I just feel so stupid.

A part of me feels sad that I didn't tell him what I wanted and a part of me still wants him back (as a makeout/cuddle buddy) but he told me he didn't want anything to do with me until I "sort out my issues" which I'm not sure what that means.

Long story short, things are really weird between us. And the way things are between us, it's hard for me to confront him about it. Since before we started this casual thing, things were already pretty complicated.

I just want to tell him that I want to take things casual for now, and not get into it too much for now until I actually feel ready.

It also feels like I lost a good friend. Even though we weren't that close, I told him some deep shit and he's told me shit about his past. I kind of miss what we had even before we started this whole casual thing.

I just miss him. In a non-romantic, no-strings-attached sort of way. I just really care about him. More than I should. I admit, I had a crush on him, but it slowly faded away when I found out who he was as a person.

How do you fix things with someone who you never had a real connection with?

Prank Gone...Awry?

Sooooo, I had this crazy idea to finally do that texting my Forever and Always with some tweaking song lyrics prank. On that one co-worker.

He's been messing with my head and playing with my emotions and I thought I'd do him back the favour.

Not that I want to, because I wanted to convey a certain message to him I just couldn't in words. And texting song lyrics is one way I try to tell people something that I don't have the nerve to tell them directly. Also letters. Actual written letters. I guess I'm a hopeless romantic in that aspect.

So, the whole ordeal from beginning to end took almost two hours. Not because I didn't know what to say because I've been planning it for WEEKS. But because he took FOREVER to respond. And I mean forever.

To the point where I would have to text him multiple times just to get a response. But I guess he doesn't really listen to the same music as I do, so it makes sense.

As a person who watches YouTube a lot, I would assume he would know what I was going on about. But then again that texting prank challenge was SO last year.

But hey, better late than never, right? I've been meaning to do it for a while but never found the right person to mess with. Until now I guess.

I mean, I could have done it with my ex (at the time), but he knew how obsessed I was with YouTube that we got into some serious arguments about it, so that wouldn't have been too fun. And my other two friends...one of them, we have this strange friendship where we only send each other FaceBook stickers, sooooo...yeah. And the other one, he's a little too dramatic, so I feel like that's not go too well.

But overall, it didn't go too bad. Other than the fact I was filming the whole thing and it took FOREVER just to get him to respond. Mostly because he was confused half the time and actually thought I was onto something. Which I sort of was.

And I had to cut it short because he thought so many different things that I wouldn't have even guessed. Nothing too bad, but wayyyy out of my line. And I had to kinda give him a hint because he had NO CLUE what I was going on about. I thought he would have known when I texted the line containing the song title, so I kind of felt bad dragging him on for so long since I'm sure he has other things to do on a Sunday. Or maybe not.

But I felt sooooo bad that I messed with his head that I had to apologise afterwards because I'm just that nice of a person. It's a good and a bad thing. Mostly good, but it bites you back sometimes.

And that led me to just texting him for the sake of texting him person to person. And I kind of got him to say what I needed and he got me to say what I needed (not all of it, but life takes time). So I guess it all worked out. Maybe not how I intended it to, but not all's fair in life.

Also not sure why this has been in my drafts for so long. Whoops.