I've kind of stayed away from relationships since my last and only one went pretty badly and honestly I don't think I can ever do relationships anymore. At least not for now.
So I decided to do this casual thing with one of my...we'll just call him a friend to make things less complicated.
I would say this whole thing started about a month ago.
Things were going pretty well I thought. I liked him, he liked me, but we both didn't want the commitment of a relationship. We've had sex like once (it was nice, not gonna lie) and it just felt wrong for both of us, so we've stayed away from that part. I wanted more of a cuddle buddy and a makeout buddy more than he wanted more of a friends with benefits sort of thing, which I wasn't really into.
A few days ago, he asked me what I wanted, and I didn't have the guts to say I just wanted a cuddle buddy or a makeout buddy and so I just stayed quiet and kept saying I wasn't sure in the spur of the moment and he said he couldn't do this anymore. Since I felt like it wasn't really going anywhere because we both wanted two totally different things. At least for now, on my part. Also because I'm really bad at deciding under pressure or on a whim. Which I felt like I was since he kept asking me, and it reminded me of a really bad time in my past, and I automatically deflected to the way I used to at the time instead of actually thinking and using my head.
I just feel so stupid.
A part of me feels sad that I didn't tell him what I wanted and a part of me still wants him back (as a makeout/cuddle buddy) but he told me he didn't want anything to do with me until I "sort out my issues" which I'm not sure what that means.
Long story short, things are really weird between us. And the way things are between us, it's hard for me to confront him about it. Since before we started this casual thing, things were already pretty complicated.
I just want to tell him that I want to take things casual for now, and not get into it too much for now until I actually feel ready.
It also feels like I lost a good friend. Even though we weren't that close, I told him some deep shit and he's told me shit about his past. I kind of miss what we had even before we started this whole casual thing.
I just miss him. In a non-romantic, no-strings-attached sort of way. I just really care about him. More than I should. I admit, I had a crush on him, but it slowly faded away when I found out who he was as a person.
How do you fix things with someone who you never had a real connection with?
Saturday, May 25, 2019
Prank Gone...Awry?
Sooooo, I had this crazy idea to finally do that texting my Forever and Always with some tweaking song lyrics prank. On that one co-worker.
He's been messing with my head and playing with my emotions and I thought I'd do him back the favour.
Not that I want to, because I wanted to convey a certain message to him I just couldn't in words. And texting song lyrics is one way I try to tell people something that I don't have the nerve to tell them directly. Also letters. Actual written letters. I guess I'm a hopeless romantic in that aspect.
So, the whole ordeal from beginning to end took almost two hours. Not because I didn't know what to say because I've been planning it for WEEKS. But because he took FOREVER to respond. And I mean forever.
To the point where I would have to text him multiple times just to get a response. But I guess he doesn't really listen to the same music as I do, so it makes sense.
As a person who watches YouTube a lot, I would assume he would know what I was going on about. But then again that texting prank challenge was SO last year.
But hey, better late than never, right? I've been meaning to do it for a while but never found the right person to mess with. Until now I guess.
I mean, I could have done it with my ex (at the time), but he knew how obsessed I was with YouTube that we got into some serious arguments about it, so that wouldn't have been too fun. And my other two friends...one of them, we have this strange friendship where we only send each other FaceBook stickers, sooooo...yeah. And the other one, he's a little too dramatic, so I feel like that's not go too well.
But overall, it didn't go too bad. Other than the fact I was filming the whole thing and it took FOREVER just to get him to respond. Mostly because he was confused half the time and actually thought I was onto something. Which I sort of was.
And I had to cut it short because he thought so many different things that I wouldn't have even guessed. Nothing too bad, but wayyyy out of my line. And I had to kinda give him a hint because he had NO CLUE what I was going on about. I thought he would have known when I texted the line containing the song title, so I kind of felt bad dragging him on for so long since I'm sure he has other things to do on a Sunday. Or maybe not.
But I felt sooooo bad that I messed with his head that I had to apologise afterwards because I'm just that nice of a person. It's a good and a bad thing. Mostly good, but it bites you back sometimes.
And that led me to just texting him for the sake of texting him person to person. And I kind of got him to say what I needed and he got me to say what I needed (not all of it, but life takes time). So I guess it all worked out. Maybe not how I intended it to, but not all's fair in life.
Also not sure why this has been in my drafts for so long. Whoops.
He's been messing with my head and playing with my emotions and I thought I'd do him back the favour.
Not that I want to, because I wanted to convey a certain message to him I just couldn't in words. And texting song lyrics is one way I try to tell people something that I don't have the nerve to tell them directly. Also letters. Actual written letters. I guess I'm a hopeless romantic in that aspect.
So, the whole ordeal from beginning to end took almost two hours. Not because I didn't know what to say because I've been planning it for WEEKS. But because he took FOREVER to respond. And I mean forever.
To the point where I would have to text him multiple times just to get a response. But I guess he doesn't really listen to the same music as I do, so it makes sense.
As a person who watches YouTube a lot, I would assume he would know what I was going on about. But then again that texting prank challenge was SO last year.
But hey, better late than never, right? I've been meaning to do it for a while but never found the right person to mess with. Until now I guess.
I mean, I could have done it with my ex (at the time), but he knew how obsessed I was with YouTube that we got into some serious arguments about it, so that wouldn't have been too fun. And my other two friends...one of them, we have this strange friendship where we only send each other FaceBook stickers, sooooo...yeah. And the other one, he's a little too dramatic, so I feel like that's not go too well.
But overall, it didn't go too bad. Other than the fact I was filming the whole thing and it took FOREVER just to get him to respond. Mostly because he was confused half the time and actually thought I was onto something. Which I sort of was.
And I had to cut it short because he thought so many different things that I wouldn't have even guessed. Nothing too bad, but wayyyy out of my line. And I had to kinda give him a hint because he had NO CLUE what I was going on about. I thought he would have known when I texted the line containing the song title, so I kind of felt bad dragging him on for so long since I'm sure he has other things to do on a Sunday. Or maybe not.
But I felt sooooo bad that I messed with his head that I had to apologise afterwards because I'm just that nice of a person. It's a good and a bad thing. Mostly good, but it bites you back sometimes.
And that led me to just texting him for the sake of texting him person to person. And I kind of got him to say what I needed and he got me to say what I needed (not all of it, but life takes time). So I guess it all worked out. Maybe not how I intended it to, but not all's fair in life.
Also not sure why this has been in my drafts for so long. Whoops.
Monday, April 1, 2019
What I Think
So...my relationship with that one co-worker. It's complicated. To the point that I've changed my relationship status to "it's complicated" on FaceBook. That's when you know it's a big deal. Well, at least in today's society.
I really want to hang out with him someday though. That's actually how I got his number. Because
we're both around the same age and so we share that special connection that I haven't really gotten with any of my other co-workers. I see him more as a friend than a co-worker.
So, how did I get his number? I feel like that's a whole 'nother story for a different post.
I meant to talk about how I think his mind works. Because I like talking about stuff like that. I feel like we're both similar in that we both kind of awkward in a cutesy way. I don't know if he's as awkward as I am, but he is definitely awkward. Well, at least I think he is. I remember we were standing next to each other at this one event we had, and it was just SO FREAKING AWKWARD. I had the feeling that we both wanted to talk to each other, but didn't know what to say.
He's the type of person you would just get along with really well. And I feel like I am too. Even though I might not seem like it. I'm pretty easygoing and not too picky in life. I feel like he's sort of the same way. Like he annoys the shit out of me at work and the things he does drive me nuts, but at the end of the day, I feel like he still cares about me, as much as he doesn't want to. And I'm the same way.
I saw this thing on Buzzfeed or Twitter or somewhere and it said "There's always that one person you look out for" or something along those lines and I feel like that's our friendship. We look out for one another. And that's what I like about it.
There's been multiple times where I've annoyed the living hell out of him and he goes "Do you wanna go?" And me being me, I've said, "Yeah, I'll go do my work!" And I think one time my manager commented on my snarky remark.
The reason (I think) we get along so well (in theory) is that we kind of have similar but clashing personalities. He's annoying, loud, and rude most of the time, and I'm calm and pretty nice and quiet most of the time. We're also pretty bad with saying words out loud, but we both kind of have our own little unwritten language that no one but us knows about. He has this book that he's told me his writing and I have this blog that I don't think anyone but myself reads.
At work, we hate the living hell out of each other, but outside of that, like on weekends, we get along quite well I guess. We text each other every so often. Recently, it's about work-related stuff because that's all we ever talk about and we poke fun at our other co-workers. I feel like we together as one, make a pretty good team. Like if we made something together, it would turn out weirdly cool. I'm a dork and he's a nerd. And we're okay with that.
I just REALLY WANT TO HANG OUT with him sometime. Emphasis on the HANG OUT not GO OUT because that has two different meanings in today's world.
I've actually asked him to hang out a few months ago and he legit thought I was hitting on him. Or maybe that was just him giving me a hard time. UGH!
Guys are so confusing but then again girls are confusing to guys too. If we just stopped confusing each other, maybe everything would be a lot easier.
I really want to hang out with him someday though. That's actually how I got his number. Because
we're both around the same age and so we share that special connection that I haven't really gotten with any of my other co-workers. I see him more as a friend than a co-worker.
So, how did I get his number? I feel like that's a whole 'nother story for a different post.
I meant to talk about how I think his mind works. Because I like talking about stuff like that. I feel like we're both similar in that we both kind of awkward in a cutesy way. I don't know if he's as awkward as I am, but he is definitely awkward. Well, at least I think he is. I remember we were standing next to each other at this one event we had, and it was just SO FREAKING AWKWARD. I had the feeling that we both wanted to talk to each other, but didn't know what to say.
He's the type of person you would just get along with really well. And I feel like I am too. Even though I might not seem like it. I'm pretty easygoing and not too picky in life. I feel like he's sort of the same way. Like he annoys the shit out of me at work and the things he does drive me nuts, but at the end of the day, I feel like he still cares about me, as much as he doesn't want to. And I'm the same way.
I saw this thing on Buzzfeed or Twitter or somewhere and it said "There's always that one person you look out for" or something along those lines and I feel like that's our friendship. We look out for one another. And that's what I like about it.
There's been multiple times where I've annoyed the living hell out of him and he goes "Do you wanna go?" And me being me, I've said, "Yeah, I'll go do my work!" And I think one time my manager commented on my snarky remark.
The reason (I think) we get along so well (in theory) is that we kind of have similar but clashing personalities. He's annoying, loud, and rude most of the time, and I'm calm and pretty nice and quiet most of the time. We're also pretty bad with saying words out loud, but we both kind of have our own little unwritten language that no one but us knows about. He has this book that he's told me his writing and I have this blog that I don't think anyone but myself reads.
At work, we hate the living hell out of each other, but outside of that, like on weekends, we get along quite well I guess. We text each other every so often. Recently, it's about work-related stuff because that's all we ever talk about and we poke fun at our other co-workers. I feel like we together as one, make a pretty good team. Like if we made something together, it would turn out weirdly cool. I'm a dork and he's a nerd. And we're okay with that.
I just REALLY WANT TO HANG OUT with him sometime. Emphasis on the HANG OUT not GO OUT because that has two different meanings in today's world.
I've actually asked him to hang out a few months ago and he legit thought I was hitting on him. Or maybe that was just him giving me a hard time. UGH!
Guys are so confusing but then again girls are confusing to guys too. If we just stopped confusing each other, maybe everything would be a lot easier.
Friday, January 25, 2019
Life is Hard.
Life is one hell of a roller coaster ride.
Long story short, I don't really know what to do with my life. What are my goals? Dreams? Aspirations? My teacher always asked that. "Any questions? Hopes? Wishes? Dreams? Aspirations?" Something like that.
I shipped something to my old address in Riverside when I went to UCR. I graduated about a year and a half ago.
More on that in another post.
That got me thinking, a lot of my friends are already married and have kids, and I don't even have a boyfriend!
My co-worker was talking about Star Trek and he jokingly said, "You're too young for that!" I haven't watched any of the Star Wars, Star Trek, or Lord of the Rings movies. I know, I'm a horrible person. In my defence, I have watched all of the Harry Potter movies multiple times and have the books (in pristine condition, might I add).
Sometimes, I feel like life moves way too fast for us to catch up. It's almost like trying to catch a train when you forgot to wake up in time.
Literally my life. Every single day.
I still live with my parents. At least two of my co-workers still do. The same two co-workers are also in their mid-to-late-20s.
I'm honestly scared to live on my own. I could, I mean I did it for almost four years. Somewhat. Parents are always gonna be parents.
There's so many things I'm still trying to figure out. And living on your own comes many responsibilities. Groceries, rent, bills. It takes up most of the weekends since you're on the 9-5 grind on weekdays.
I just don't know if I could handle all that. I mean, I DO want to move out. Don't get me wrong. Just all that added pressure. I don't know if I'm ready for that.
That and plus, rent and bills and all that is really expensive and I still have a college "broke life" mentality. Hence, why I buy novels on Abebooks instead of Amazon or eBay. If you don't know what that is, you didn't do college right. Seriously. You could have saved HUNDREDS.
Maybe I'll do a post on how much you could have saved if you used Abebooks or some other book site. No, not Barnes & Noble or Borders. Remember Borders? Ahh, the good ole days.
Long story short, I don't really know what to do with my life. What are my goals? Dreams? Aspirations? My teacher always asked that. "Any questions? Hopes? Wishes? Dreams? Aspirations?" Something like that.
I shipped something to my old address in Riverside when I went to UCR. I graduated about a year and a half ago.
More on that in another post.
That got me thinking, a lot of my friends are already married and have kids, and I don't even have a boyfriend!
My co-worker was talking about Star Trek and he jokingly said, "You're too young for that!" I haven't watched any of the Star Wars, Star Trek, or Lord of the Rings movies. I know, I'm a horrible person. In my defence, I have watched all of the Harry Potter movies multiple times and have the books (in pristine condition, might I add).
Sometimes, I feel like life moves way too fast for us to catch up. It's almost like trying to catch a train when you forgot to wake up in time.
Literally my life. Every single day.
I still live with my parents. At least two of my co-workers still do. The same two co-workers are also in their mid-to-late-20s.
I'm honestly scared to live on my own. I could, I mean I did it for almost four years. Somewhat. Parents are always gonna be parents.
There's so many things I'm still trying to figure out. And living on your own comes many responsibilities. Groceries, rent, bills. It takes up most of the weekends since you're on the 9-5 grind on weekdays.
I just don't know if I could handle all that. I mean, I DO want to move out. Don't get me wrong. Just all that added pressure. I don't know if I'm ready for that.
That and plus, rent and bills and all that is really expensive and I still have a college "broke life" mentality. Hence, why I buy novels on Abebooks instead of Amazon or eBay. If you don't know what that is, you didn't do college right. Seriously. You could have saved HUNDREDS.
Maybe I'll do a post on how much you could have saved if you used Abebooks or some other book site. No, not Barnes & Noble or Borders. Remember Borders? Ahh, the good ole days.
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