Why I Broke Up With My Boyrfiend

So I mentioned I broke up with my boyfriend of 5 years. Some of you might wonder why. Long story short, I was never really truly happy with the relationship for many reasons. Sit tight, grab a drink and maybe enjoy. This is about to get interesting.

So we met online. But not in the way you might think. Someone started a Facebook group of all of the UCR freshmen. And both him and I along with many other UCR to-be-freshmen (at the time) joined that group. And then I created another one but specific to our class and major. And again, him and a bunch of other to-be-UCR freshmen joined. And somehow, through some form of communication, he got my Skype info and I got his and we communicated that way at first. And then not long after, we met in Chinatown. I know, out of all places. But this was just as friends.

Fast forward a couple months, I was locking my bike to the bike racks near the dorms and he said hi, and my parents just so happened to be there and being the nice person I am, I said hi back. My parents eventually hated him.

Then he invited me over to his dorm to hang out. I remember one of his hallmates actually asked us how long we've known each other and we were like "We just met, but we're like already best friends." Later that day, there was always this big event at the start of the school year that we went to and he asked me out there and I awkwardly said yes, but in my mind I wanted to say no. I just didn't get a good vibe from him (you know how I mentioned how I got a good vibe from my co-worker? This was the COMPLETE opposite), but I was so caught up in the moment and with the idea of having a boyfriend that I just didn't really think straight at the time.

The first three years were fine. We didn't really get into any arguments, we were really nice to each other, he got me stuff, and I got him stuff, and we did normal couple-y stuff. I was still caught up in the whole idea of having a boyfriend that I didn't really understand what I really wanted. He also helped me figure out college and helped me with many assignments and things that I didn't know, so I'm grateful for that part. I remember actually crying back in winter break of freshmen year since I couldn't see him every day. I was so stupid back then and so smitten.

Everything went downhill the next two years. We fought a lot, he always got angry with me, and started physically hurting me because I would never listen. He also broke a few of my things and I would lie to my parents about it because I didn't want them to do anything to hurt him.

He took control of what I could and couldn't do. I started watching Chinese dramas as a sort of escape from all my drama, and he didn't want me doing that. I once chose watching dramas over him because I didn't want to deal with him. To this day, I will never regret that decision. He got so mad that he said to choose him or watching Chinese dramas. He would never get mad if I watched American dramas (I watched Pretty Little Liars almost every week), so why did he get mad over that? I did spend an entire summer obsessing over Aaron Yan from Just You and Fall in Love with Me and downloading so many Chinese songs, so I could see where he was coming from. I eventually stopped watching Chinese dramas for maybe a year, and then I created a secret Twitter account just so I could fangirl about Chinese and Taiwanese dramas as well as a secret Instagram account (I created a different one later since he had me delete that one). I also secretly watched Taiwanese dramas and created both a DramaFever and a Viki account. He later found out about those too. The Twitter account is still active, but I rarely post on it since work gets in the way. I felt like he just took control of too many aspects of my life that I wasn't even living MY life.

My parents were a small reason why we broke up as well. They didn't really like him, since they said he was too short and wasn't really "handsome" to their liking. He also wasn't Chinese (or at least not in their minds). His parents spoke Chinese, but also Cambodian. He had a little brother that was younger than almost half his age, and even though I liked him, I felt like I wanted us time, and my ex was always dragging him along in our "dates".

One of the last times we hung out, I was so ready to break up with him, but he kept giving me reasons to stay together. Like how I would never find another Asian who was taller than me and who is as nice as he is and tolerates my weirdness. My co-worker is all of those things. Minus the Asian and height.

I think the last time we hung out as a "date" was to see The Lego Batman Movie or some movie. He brought me pasta or some food he either made or got from his work. That was nice. And he wanted to like make out or something in his car and I just didn't feel like it. It was then I realised I needed to end it. I was just so tired of his games. It was just too much. I couldn't take it anymore.

He saw me one last time at work. He worked at Marina Del Ray at the time, and I couldn't just take one or two hours off just to see him. We were already understaffed as it is. We still are. I didn't really talk to him because I had nothing to say. We were done.

I still have a bunch of his stuff. Mostly toys. I just don't want to find the time to drop them off at Goodwill's. I blocked him on all social media platforms. He knows where I live, and I know where he lives. Hopefully he won't come knocking for answers because I'm not giving him any.

Goodbye, next.

So, I Got a Job...What Now?

(I somehow forgot to post this a LONGGGGG time ago)

So yeah, I got a job the other day.  I should be happy, but I'm more confused than happy.  Do I like it? I'm not sure yet.

Like is a very strong word. It's a word you use to describe something you believe fully in, something you have strong feeling towards.  I can't say for sure if I "like" my job.  But I will say that I do find myself thinking, if I didn't accept this job, what would I do?

You could say I'm a dreamer.  In fact, I'm more than a dreamer.  I'm a firm believer in chasing your dreams and overcoming obstacles along the way.  But sometimes, I forget that I need to apply that to myself too.  I chase too many dreams at once.  I have many ideas I want to put out there, but instead of going for those ideas, I think of the many ways that those ideas could go wrong.

I guess I'm more pessimistic than I am optimistic. I guess I tend to look at the downside of things more than the flip-side.  Which is probably why I feel so confused.  And can't decide things. It might also be because I've let other people choose for me, so I guess I just "chose" a practical major.

I also don't feel like I want to quit just yet, because if I do, I won't be bringing food on the table so to speak.  I know that if you want to chase your dreams, you have to put it your all, but sometimes, you also gotta have a backup plan.

All that plus, I've been trying to distract myself from getting a job because I honestly had NO CLUE what the eff I wanted to do after college. I've been trying to distract myself from applying to jobs because I didn't know if I'd like it or not.

And actually, I was actually enjoying my dining job because I really liked interacting with customers. Maybe that's what I like. Interacting with customers, face to face. So hospitality? I'm not sure yet. But I'm getting there, slowly but surely.

What Are We?

So, you that that same co-worker I've been mentioning? It's been a good few months since my last post about him, so thought I'd give you a quick update.

We used to bite each other's heads off, OBVIOUSLY, in a playful manner. And now, we've kind of tolerated each other a little bit more. Although I did FINALLY get his number like almost a month ago. Which was funny cuz I indirectly gave him mine during Halloween as an excuse to give him jelly beans.

Quick digression. So I gave him my number indirectly on the back of a post-it note cuz we have tons of those at work as an excuse to give him my jelly beans that I have at home since I can't really eat jelly beans anymore. Root canal. Not fun. Anyways, I gave him two bags of jelly beans in Ziploc bags and on the first bag, I stuck a post-it note and wrote "Happy Halloween!" and on the second bag, I stuck a post-it and wrote "Thanks for being an awesome co-worker and putting up with me. You're pretty cool! Let's hang out sometime!" and I gave him my number. I contemplated that for THE LONGEST TIME since I wasn't sure if he would see it, which he didn't...for about a month.

Flash forward almost a month, I just got back from lunch, and he messages me "I just saw that post it note you stuck on the back. Believe me, if I had seen that, I would have spammed you with cat pics" and I was so confused cuz I was in work mode.

So yeah, I FINALLY managed to get his number. I don't know. I've always gotten a good vibe from him. Since he's only like two years older than I am. Like I really want to hang out with him, but I just can't figure out how to ask. And cuz I feel like now would be a bad time to ask since he's like switching meds or something like that. We tell each other some really deep shit.

ANYWAYS, that's not what I meant to talk about. So I feel like now, we can stand each other a bit more. And we only decide to kill each other depending on the workload. Recently, work has been pretty light, so we joke around a lot more than we did a few weeks ago when it was crazy busy. He also does this thing recently where he'll come up an just randomly poke me. I've gotten him back maybe like once or twice.

I feel like now, we've kind of hit a stagnant point in terms of snappy remarks and whatnot, but I feel like I'm meaner to him than he is to me. Here's a few examples.

Him: I don't know why I just can't get warm.
Me: It's probably cuz you have a cold soul.
Him: Wow, that's harsh.

Him: (hears the fax machine go off) Really?
Me: It loves you.
Him: I don't want it to!
Me: It wants your love!

Him: Why does he keep calling me?
Me: Because he loves you!
Him: Love me less!
Me: He thinks otherwise.

He gives me something to approve.
Me: (approves it)
Him: Thank you.
Me: You're not welcome. (I've said this more than once.)
Him: Oh, that hurts. (And he's said some variation of that.)

Him: (walks in) Jenny, you're a terrible person.
Me: What did I ever do to you?
Him: I just wanted you to know that.

Him: Jenny, you're a terrible person. (version 2)
Me: I know, that's why I can be mean to you back.
Him: Wow, harsh.

Manager: (talking about some system upgrade)
This was also at some off-site another co-worker arranged.
Him: Well that what am I gonna do all day?
Me: Complain.
Him: Wow, really? We're not even at work at you have the energy to throw me under the bus?

So yeah, we have our share of snappy remarks and comments. We get along that way. It's a special relationship we share.

"Because you're my favourite!"